Crucial Conversations — Flashcards
Core Concepts
Q: What is a Crucial Conversation?
A: A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.
Q: What is dialogue?
A: The free flow of meaning between two or more people. The goal of crucial conversations.
Q: What is the Pool of Shared Meaning?
A: The collective body of facts, opinions, feelings, and theories that people in a conversation contribute to. The larger the shared pool → the smarter the decisions → the more committed the action.
Q: What is the Fool’s Choice?
A: The false belief that you must choose between honesty and the relationship (candor vs. kindness, winning vs. keeping peace). Skilled communicators refuse this false dilemma by searching for the AND.
Q: What are the two enemies of dialogue?
A: Silence (withholding meaning: masking, avoiding, withdrawing) and Violence (forcing meaning: controlling, labeling, attacking). Both are responses to feeling unsafe.
The Seven Principles
Q: What are the 7 principles of crucial conversations?
A: (1) Start with Heart, (2) Learn to Look, (3) Make It Safe, (4) Master My Stories, (5) STATE My Path, (6) Explore Others’ Paths, (7) Move to Action.
Q: What is the “Start with Heart” principle?
A: Begin with the right motives — work on yourself first. Clarify what you really want for yourself, others, and the relationship. Refuse Fool’s Choices.
Q: What is the “Learn to Look” principle?
A: Dual-process — watch both the content of the conversation AND the conditions (how people are responding). Watch for: the moment it turns crucial, safety problems, and your own Style Under Stress.
Q: What are the two conditions of safety?
A: (1) Mutual Purpose — others believe you care about their goals (entrance condition); (2) Mutual Respect — others feel respected by you (continuance condition).
Q: What does CRIB stand for?
A: Commit to seek Mutual Purpose, Recognize the purpose behind the strategy, Invent a Mutual Purpose, Brainstorm new strategies. Used when goals genuinely differ.
Q: What is Contrasting?
A: A don’t/do statement that addresses a misunderstanding of your purpose or intent. “I don’t want to suggest X [the misunderstanding]. I do want to Y [your actual intent].” Used for first aid or prevention — not for apologizing.
The Path to Action
Q: What is the Path to Action?
A: See/Hear → Tell a Story → Feel Emotion → Act. The crucial insight: stories (not others’ actions) create our emotions. We can change our emotions by changing our stories.
Q: What are the three “Clever Stories”?
A: (1) Victim Story (“It’s not my fault”) — omits your own role; (2) Villain Story (“It’s all your fault”) — imputes the worst motives to others; (3) Helpless Story (“There’s nothing I can do”) — denies your own agency.
Q: What three questions help you “tell the rest of the story”?
A: (1) “Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?” (turns victim into actor); (2) “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?” (turns villain into human); (3) “What do I really want? What would I do if I really wanted these results?” (turns helpless into able).
Q: What is a “sellout” and why does it matter?
A: A sellout is when you consciously act against your own sense of what’s right. Clever stories often start after a sellout — we create the story to justify the bad behavior, not the other way around.
STATE My Path
Q: What does STATE stand for?
A: Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for others’ paths, Talk tentatively, Encourage testing.
Q: Why should you share facts before your story?
A: Facts are (1) least controversial, (2) most persuasive, and (3) least insulting. Starting with a conclusion/story can kill safety before you make your point. Facts are the “homework” for crucial conversations.
Q: What does “Talk Tentatively” mean?
A: State your story as a story, not as a fact. Use language like “In my opinion…”, “I’m beginning to wonder if…”, “It’s possible that…”. Tentative language increases openness to your view — it doesn’t mean being wimpy.
Q: What’s the Goldilocks test for talking tentatively?
A: Too soft (“This is probably stupid, but…”) → Too hard (“How come you ripped us off?”) → Just right (“It’s starting to look like you’re taking this home. Is that right?”)
AMPP Listening
Q: What does AMPP stand for?
A: Ask to get things rolling, Mirror to confirm feelings, Paraphrase to acknowledge the story, Prime when you’re getting nowhere.
Q: When do you use priming?
A: When you’ve tried Ask, Mirror, and Paraphrase but the person still won’t open up — take your best guess at what they’re thinking/feeling and say it out loud. It’s an act of good faith and vulnerability.
Q: What are the ABC skills for responding after exploring others’ paths?
A: Agree (when you agree, say so and move on), Build (agree, then add what was missing), Compare (when you differ, don’t say they’re wrong — say “I see it differently”).
Move to Action
Q: What are the four decision-making methods?
A: Command (no involvement), Consult (gather input, then a subset decides), Vote (agreed percentage decides), Consensus (everyone genuinely agrees and supports). Increasing involvement = increasing commitment but decreasing efficiency.
Q: What four questions help choose a decision-making method?
A: (1) Who cares? (2) Who knows? (3) Who must agree? (4) How many people is it worth involving?
Q: What are the four elements of a good assignment?
A: Who? Does what? By when? How will you follow up?
Tough Cases / Meta-Principles
Q: What are the two master levers for improving dialogue?
A: (1) Learn to Look — ask “Am I in dialogue or playing games?” (2) Make It Safe — when you’ve left dialogue, do something to make it safer.
Q: When conversations keep repeating (Groundhog Day pattern), what should you do?
A: Stop addressing the latest instance; talk about the pattern — which is really about trust and commitment. Your emotions will be proportionate when you address the real issue.
Q: Can you force dialogue if the other person refuses?
A: No. But consistently applied skills over time — refusing to take offense, showing respect, maintaining genuine Mutual Purpose — will almost always eventually bring the other person into dialogue. One conversation is a beginning, not an end.