Chapter 7: STATE My Path
“Outspoken by whom?” — Dorothy Parker, when told she was very outspoken
Core Challenge: Sharing Risky Meaning
When what you have to say could make others defensive — or when you’re so certain you’re right that you risk shutting others down — you need the STATE framework.
The blend required: Confidence + Humility + Skill
- Confidence: Believe your opinion deserves to be heard; be willing to share it with the right person
- Humility: Realize you don’t have a monopoly on the truth; your view is a starting point, not the final word
- Skill: Know how to share it in a way that maintains safety
The STATE Acronym
| Letter | Skill | Description |
|---|---|---|
| S | Share your facts | Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements |
| T | Tell your story | Explain what you’re beginning to conclude |
| A | Ask for others’ paths | Invite them to share their facts and stories |
| T | Talk tentatively | State your story as a story, not a fact |
| E | Encourage testing | Make it safe for others to express differing views |
The first three describe what to do. The last two describe how.
The “What” Skills
1. Share Your Facts — Begin at the Beginning
Follow your Path to Action from beginning to end — starting with observable facts, not conclusions.
Why facts first?
- Facts are the least controversial: “You arrived 20 minutes late” vs. “You can’t be trusted”
- Facts are the most persuasive: they form the foundation of belief
- Facts are the least insulting: starting with a story/conclusion can destroy safety before you even make your point
Carole’s mistake: “You’re having an affair!” (conclusion first)
Carole’s better approach: “I found a charge from the Good Night Motel on our credit card…” (facts first)
Gathering the facts is the homework required for crucial conversations.
2. Tell Your Story — Share Your Conclusion Tentatively
Facts alone are rarely worth mentioning without the conclusion they support. But share the story after the facts, and share it tentatively.
Brian’s example:
- Bad: “You micromanage me.”
- Better: “Since I started, you’ve asked to meet twice daily — more than with anyone else. You’ve asked me to pass all ideas through you first. [Facts] I’m beginning to wonder if you don’t trust me. [Possible story]”
Caution: Don’t pile on a whole arsenal of Villain-Story conclusions. Use Contrasting if the other person becomes defensive.
3. Ask for Others’ Paths
After sharing your facts and stories, invite others to share theirs. Express genuine interest in their view — not as a rhetorical device, but because their perspective is needed to complete the picture.
The “How” Skills
4. Talk Tentatively
Tell your story as a story, not a fact:
- ❌ “The fact is…” → ✅ “In my opinion…”
- ❌ “Everyone knows that…” → ✅ “I’ve heard from three suppliers who think…”
- ❌ “It’s clear to me…” → ✅ “I’m beginning to wonder if…”
Why? Tentative language isn’t manipulative — it’s accurate. Our stories are educated guesses. Tentative language increases the likelihood others will hear your point rather than resist it.
The Goldilocks Test:
| Too Soft | Just Right | Too Hard |
|---|---|---|
| ”This is probably stupid, but…" | "It’s starting to look like you’re taking this home for your own use. Is that right?" | "How come you ripped us off?" |
| "I’m ashamed to even mention this…" | "It’s leading me to conclude you’re using drugs. Do you have another explanation I’m missing?" | "Just when did you start using hard drugs?“ |
5. Encourage Testing
Actively invite others to challenge your view — especially if they seem hesitant:
- “Does anyone see it differently?”
- “What am I missing here?”
- “I’d really like to hear the other side.”
Play devil’s advocate: When others aren’t speaking, model disagreement by questioning your own view. “Maybe I’m wrong here. What if the opposite is true?”
The real test of motive: Are you as vigorous in encouraging others to disprove your view as you are in arguing for it?
Strong Belief Problem
When you’re absolutely convinced you’re right:
- The more forceful and certain you are, the more resistant others become
- Your passion becomes your enemy
- Conviction turns ideas from a stream into a fire hydrant — and people duck
Solution: Catch yourself. Back off your approach — not your belief. Hold your opinion firmly; soften your delivery.
- Watch for: leaning forward, speaking louder, trying to “win,” lengthy monologues
- When others resist your view, that’s your cue to back off and ask for their view
Summary
STATE My Path:
- Share facts first — least controversial, most persuasive foundation
- Tell your story — what you’re concluding, shared as a possibility
- Ask for others’ paths — invite their perspective genuinely
- Talk tentatively — use language that signals you’re sharing a view, not pronouncing a verdict
- Encourage testing — make it safe to push back, even vigorously