Chapter 6: Master My Stories
“It’s not how you play the game, it’s how the game plays you.”
Core Insight: Others Don’t Make You Mad — You Do
Claim 1: Emotions don’t settle on you like a fog. Others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You create your emotions.
Claim 2: Once you’ve created upset emotions, you have two choices: act on them, or be acted on by them. Either master them or fall hostage to them.
The Path to Action
Between what others do and how we feel, there is always an intermediate step: we tell ourselves a story.
See/Hear → Tell a Story → Feel → Act
Why this gives hope: Since we create our stories, we can change them. The story is our leverage point.
Maria example: Louis dominated their presentation. Maria saw this → told a story (“He’s a chauvinist, doesn’t trust me”) → felt humiliated/angry → alternated between silence and sarcastic jabs. But there were a dozen other stories that fit the same facts equally well.
Retrace Your Path to Action
When you notice yourself in silence or violence, retrace backward:
- [Act] Notice your behavior: “Am I in some form of silence or violence?”
- [Feel] Get in touch with your feelings: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?”
- [Tell story] Analyze your stories: “What story is creating these emotions?”
- [See/hear] Get back to the facts: “What evidence do I have to support this story?”
Key skill: Expand your emotional vocabulary. “Bad” or “angry” is too blunt. Are you embarrassed? Surprised? Violated? Humiliated? The richer your description, the more accurately you can examine what’s really going on.
Three Clever Stories
These are self-serving stories that allow us to feel good about behaving badly:
1. Victim Stories — “It’s Not My Fault”
We cast ourselves as innocent sufferers. The theme: the other person is bad/wrong/dumb, and I am good/right/brilliant.
What we omit: Our own role in creating the problem — what we did or failed to do.
2. Villain Stories — “It’s All Your Fault”
We turn normal people into villains by imputing the worst possible motives or grossest incompetence.
The double standard: When we make mistakes, we claim innocent intent (“I couldn’t help it”). When others hurt us, we invent terrible motives and exaggerate flaws.
Labeling is the prime device: “bonehead,” “control freak,” “chauvinist pig.”
3. Helpless Stories — “There’s Nothing Else I Can Do”
We make ourselves powerless. We convince ourselves there are no healthy alternatives. “If I didn’t yell, he wouldn’t listen.” “If I told the boss, he’d just be defensive.”
Helpless Stories often stem from Villain Stories: “She’s a control freak [Villain], so of course she won’t accept feedback [Helpless].”
Why We Tell Clever Stories
- Sometimes they’re accurate (rare but possible)
- They get us off the hook — excusing us from responsibility while demonizing others
- They prevent us from acknowledging our own sellouts — the stories usually start after we’ve done something we feel bad about
Common Sellouts That Spawn Clever Stories
- You believe you should help someone, but don’t
- You believe you should apologize, but don’t
- You see a problem with a plan, but say nothing
- You fail to complete an assignment and don’t warn anyone
- You believe you should listen to feedback, but become defensive instead
The order matters: sellout comes first, then the story justifies it.
Tell the Rest of the Story
Transform clever stories into useful ones by asking:
| Clever Story | Question to Ask |
|---|---|
| Victim Story | ”Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?” |
| Villain Story | ”Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?” |
| Helpless Story | ”What do I really want? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?” |
The humanizing question (“Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person…”) doesn’t excuse bad behavior. It softens your emotions and relaxes your certainty long enough to allow for dialogue — the only way to discover others’ genuine motives.
Maria’s Resolution
After retracing her path, Maria asked the three questions:
- Recognized she didn’t speak up when she first noticed the problem → she played a role
- Considered that Louis cares about quality and may not realize her commitment level
- Identified what she really wanted: respect and recognition
- Scheduled a meeting with Louis — and it went well: he apologized, explained his nervousness, and they worked out a better collaboration structure
Summary
- Retrace your Path to Action backward (Act → Feel → Story → Facts)
- Watch for Clever Stories: Victim, Villain, Helpless
- Tell the rest of the story using the three humanizing questions
- Result: Regain control of emotions and return to dialogue as a master, not a hostage