Chapter 5: Make It Safe
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in baskets of silver.” — Proverbs 25:11
Core Principle: Step Out → Make It Safe → Step Back In
When safety is threatened, step out of the content of the conversation, restore safety, and then return to the issue. The best don’t sugarcoat or fight — they create conditions where the truth can be spoken and heard.
Two Conditions of Safety
1. Mutual Purpose — The Entrance Condition
Definition: Others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome — that you care about their goals, interests, and values.
Without Mutual Purpose, there’s no good reason to enter the conversation in the first place. Signs it’s at risk:
- Debate instead of dialogue
- Defensiveness or hidden agendas
- Accusations
- Circling back to the same topic repeatedly
Test: Do others believe I care about their goals? Do they trust my motives?
⚠️ Critical: Mutual Purpose must be genuine. If you’re trying to manipulate, it will show quickly, safety will collapse, and you’ll be back to silence/violence.
2. Mutual Respect — The Continuance Condition
Definition: Others feel you respect them as human beings.
Respect is like air: when present, nobody thinks about it. When absent, it’s all anyone can think about. The moment people feel disrespected, the conversation becomes about defending dignity — not the original issue.
Test: Do others believe I respect them?
Can you respect people you don’t respect? Yes. We don’t need to share every objective or admire every character trait. We can honor their basic humanity. When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find respect — even for “thorniest” people.
Three Restoration Skills
Skill 1: Apologize When Appropriate
When you’ve genuinely violated respect:
“I’m sorry I didn’t call when I learned we weren’t coming by. You worked all night and I didn’t even explain what happened. I apologize.”
An apology is only genuine if accompanied by a change of heart — giving up saving face, being right, or winning. You sacrifice a bit of ego; you gain dialogue and better results.
Skill 2: Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
When others misinterpret your purpose or intent (not when you actually did something wrong):
Contrasting is a don’t/do statement:
- Don’t part: Addresses what you don’t intend (“The last thing I wanted to do was suggest I don’t value your work…”)
- Do part: Confirms your real purpose (”…I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular.”)
The don’t part is more important — it directly addresses the misunderstanding causing the safety problem.
Two uses:
- Prevention: Use before dropping sensitive content into the pool
- First aid: Use after something has been misunderstood
“I don’t want you to think I’m dissatisfied with your performance overall… I do have a concern about punctuality that I’d like you to work on.”
Note: Contrasting is NOT apologizing and NOT watering down your message. It’s ensuring others don’t hear more than you intend.
Skill 3: Create a Mutual Purpose (CRIB)
When you’re genuinely at cross-purposes — not a misunderstanding, but a real conflict of goals. Use CRIB:
| Step | Action | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Commit to seek Mutual Purpose | Make a unilateral commitment to stay in the conversation until you find a solution for everyone | ”I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.” |
| Recognize the purpose behind the strategy | Ask why they want what they’re asking for — separate the strategy from the underlying need | ”Why do you want to stay home?” → “I want peace and quiet.” |
| Invent a Mutual Purpose | If you can’t discover a shared goal, create a higher-level one that encompasses both | Move to longer-term or more encompassing goals |
| Brainstorm new strategies | With shared purpose established, jointly generate options | Suspend judgment; think outside the box |
Movie vs. Stay Home example:
- “Movie” vs. “Stay home” are just strategies
- Underlying purposes: “time together away from kids” vs. “peace and quiet”
- Mutual Purpose: something quiet AND away from home → drive up a canyon
When Safety Is Restored
Once you’ve stepped out and restored safety through these skills, you can return to the original issue and continue the conversation. Then address the substance.
Practice Example (CRIB with Yvonne and Jotham)
- C: “I don’t want anything with you that isn’t great for both of us. I just want to find a way where we both feel close, appreciated, and loved.”
- R: “What makes you feel loved and appreciated?” → Making love when you really want to; cuddling, thoughtful acts
- I: “So we need to find ways to be together that make both of us feel loved and appreciated?”
- B: Brainstorm new intimacy patterns that work for both
Summary
| Condition at Risk | Solution |
|---|---|
| You clearly violated respect | Apologize sincerely |
| Purpose/intent misunderstood | Use Contrasting (don’t/do statement) |
| Genuinely different goals | CRIB to Mutual Purpose |
Remember: Safety first. If you don’t feel safe, you can’t say anything; if others don’t feel safe, they can’t hear anything.