Chapter 3: Start with Heart
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” — Ambrose Bierce
Core Principle: Work on Me First, Us Second
The first principle of dialogue is Start with Heart — begin with your own heart. If you can’t get yourself right, you’ll struggle to get dialogue right.
Key insight: Most people believe others are the source of all problems. Skilled communicators flip this: they believe “the best way to work on us is to start with me.” They are also the only person they can actually change.
Irony: The most talented people constantly try to improve their dialogue skills. The rich get richer.
The Moment of Truth: What Are You Acting Like You Want?
Under pressure, our motives subtly shift — from genuine goals to:
- Winning: The desire to be right, to “beat” the other person. We start quibbling over details, then shift from proving a point to just winning.
- Punishing: Anger escalates until we just want the other person to suffer, not to solve the problem.
- Keeping the peace: We choose the certainty of bad results over the possibility of uncomfortable conversation.
Greta’s example: CEO whose knuckles went white gripping the podium when challenged about her office renovations. She caught herself, asked “What do I really want here?” — and transformed from a weapon to a curious partner. She thanked the questioner, admitted hypocrisy, got the numbers, and cut costs by half.
Skill 1: Focus on What You Really Want
When you feel yourself slipping — deferring to the boss, giving a cold shoulder, wanting to win — stop and ask:
- What do I really want for myself?
- What do I really want for others?
- What do I really want for the relationship?
- How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
Two reasons this works:
- The answer reminds you of your North Star — returning you to your original purpose.
- Asking a complex question actually shifts blood back to the reasoning centers of your brain, away from fight-or-flight circuits.
Skill 2: Refuse the Fool’s Choice
When facing a crucial conversation, we often construct a false either/or:
- “I can either be honest OR keep the friendship.”
- “I can either tell the truth OR avoid hurting them.”
The solution: Search for the elusive AND.
Three steps to break the Fool’s Choice:
- Clarify what you really want: “I want my husband to be more reliable.”
- Clarify what you really don’t want: “I don’t want a useless heated conversation that creates bad feelings and no change.”
- Present your brain with the AND question: “How can I have a candid conversation about reliability and avoid creating bad feelings?”
When people are genuinely asked “Is it possible to achieve both?” — their faces become reflective, their eyes open, and they start thinking creatively.
Summary
| Principle | Action |
|---|---|
| Work on me first | Remember: you can only directly control yourself |
| Focus on what you really want | Stop when you feel yourself slipping; ask the 3 “what do I want” questions |
| Refuse the Fool’s Choice | Find the AND — clarify what you want AND don’t want, then let your brain solve the harder problem |
Coaching Yourself in the Moment
If you find yourself pushing hard, withdrawing, or taking potshots — that’s your signal. Ask:
- “What does my behavior tell me about my underlying motive?”
- “What do I actually want here?”
- “How would I behave if those were my real goals?”
When you name the game, you can stop playing it.